


The Loves and Losses of Jonathan Sims

by orphan_account



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Acephobia, Angst, Awkwardness, Break Up, Canon Asexual Character, Canon Compliant, First Dates, Fluff, Gen, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Non-Chronological, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Outsider, Possibly Unrequited Love, hopefully
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:47:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22368949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: I wanna love somebody but I don't know howI've been so long lonely and it's getting me downJonathan Sims has never been good at love in any definition of the word. Maybe he can figure it out one day.Or, several failed attempts at loving, and eventually even more successful ones.
Relationships: Jonathan Sims/Original Character(s)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this just in one day, so forgive any small grammar mistakes, and please tell me if there are any major plot holes! This work is going to be about people that Jon has loved, tried to love, and/or been loved by. Is this a poorly-disguised vent fic? Maybe! Please enjoy either way! ^^ the lyrics in the summary are from the song Sucker's Prayer by The Decemberists!

Jason Carter was a college freshman when he met Jonathan Sims. They were in the same required science class—biology something or other. The specifics didn’t matter. What mattered is that they happened to sit next to each other. Not on purpose, but because they were the last two people to show up, and everyone else avoided the table that sat directly in front of the professor’s desk. Now, Jason wasn’t very much a romantic, but he did fall hard for people. People like Jon. People with sharp features and soft-looking hair and a bit of an attitude, displayed through snarky whispered comments during lectures. People with deep brown eyes and nice clothes and answers to all the questions he had.

Dammit, he was crushing on some boy that was probably a rich straight dude with an arranged marriage that’s been in place since he was born. Jason tried to push these thoughts away, but they would always come rushing back at the smallest things. Their fingers brushed when grabbings their pencils. Jon’s eyebrows furrowed when he was thinking hard. Jon mentioned some obscure fact about his incredibly private past that Jason would most certainly hold onto for as long as this insufferable pining lasted. It was all very juvenile, but hey, to his defense, he hadn’t been out of high school for even a year, and it had been even longer since he had been in a relationship.

They got paired up for a project, on account of them sitting at the same table. It wasn't some kind of wishy-washy destiny crap, it was purely circumstantial. But it still got Jason all warm and bubbly inside. He didn’t like feeling like this, because he felt like he was mature. He worked hard to get into Oxford and planned to focus on his degree. He didn’t have time for relationships or close friendships. Yet, he still yearned for it.

That project wasn’t hard—-just some data collection, a few equations to plug the numbers into, and then an essay over it all. Pretty standard stuff. But he was doing it with Jon, so it was either going to be heaven or hell.

They met up at Jason’s apartment to do the work. (Jason spent at least two hours cleaning up his small flat, and showered and changed too. If he had the smallest chance with Jon, he wasn’t going to lose it.)

They settled into a rhythm of idle talk and silent work. Jon didn’t mention anything about his past besides vague descriptions when Jason tried to ask. He only gave his thoughts and opinions. Jason learned that Jon liked tea, cool weather, reading, and smoking, which usually would’ve been a dealbreaker for him, but he was already in too deep.

It was when Jon was just pulling his jacket (a soft looking woven one, with nice pockets and flappy lapels that Jason just wanted to grab and—) and heading towards the door that he got the courage to say anything.

“Hey, Jon?”

“Yes, Jason?” His voice wasn’t exasperated, nor impatient, but it still had that feeling that all he was thinking about at that moment was getting home.

Jason inhaled deeply. “Would you like to go out for food sometime? As a date, I mean.” A beat of silence. “No pressure! It’s fine, really, kind of silly to—-”

“Yes.”

“Wait, really?”

“Yes, let’s go...out.” Jon spoke with a strange resolve, as though he was just as surprised as Jason was at his decision. His eyebrows were furrowed, but the corners of his mouth twitched upwards in the faintest impression of a smile. It looked almost like his face wasn’t sure how to smile properly.

Jason realized he was grinning ear to ear, and composed himself quickly, face flushed red. “Awesome! There’s this little cafe a little ways from campus, if you would want to go. Wanna go after our next biology lecture?”

“Sounds good to me.” Jon turned and left, but hesitated for a moment, unsure. 

Jason watched him until he was out of sight, and shut the door.

Hopefully this ends well.

—-  
Jon reached his own apartment and made a beeline for his room, ignoring his other roommates, who were gathered around the television. It was movie night, though Jon didn’t participate. It wasn’t really his thing.

He threw his backpack onto the ground and then himself onto his bed. 

Was he happy about Jason asking him out? Yes, he thinks so. Has he wanted a partner? Maybe? He’s never needed any sort of relationship or intimacy before. But maybe this could be nice.

But what if he was leading Jason on? What if he couldn’t get him what he expected? What if they both end up hurting one another?

Jon yanked off his glasses before burying his face in his pillow and falling asleep, unless he thinks of it more. His dreams were vague, as always--a mish-mash of people he’s known and lost and fears and spiders and eyes. 

—-

Jon and Jason strolled down to the cafe—a stereotypical one, with a pleasant atmosphere, sugary drinks, and indistinguishable indie music faintly humming through the speakers. Jon ordered an oolong tea with a teaspoon of honey and Jason got a black coffee with milk. They chatted conversationally, comparing schools and birth places and favorite bands. It wasn’t long until they felt the need to move onto more personal matters; this was a date, after all.

“So, what are your parents like?” Jason asked, not even trying to hide the embarrassing look of adoration on his face. He sat with one hand around his cup and the other supporting his cheek as he stared down (he thought that it was adorable that he was taller than Jon) at him.

Jon’s expression was unreadable. “They died when I was young. I grew up with my grandmother.”

Fuck, he’s ruined the moment. “Ah, shit, Jon, I’m sorry! I had no idea—-”

“It’s fine, I don’t really remember them, so it doesn’t matter to me,” Jon assured him, waving his hand as though he was shooing the awkward situation away. “My grandmother wasn’t cruel, or anything. She took care of me well. Tolerated me. I wasn’t a great kid by any means, so I’m lucky that she was the one to raise me. She was patient.”

“Jon, I’m sure you were a lovely kid. Were you as...reclusive as you are now?”

“I.” If Jon wasn't uncomfortable before, he was deeply so now. “Can we go back to your flat? I don't like talking about things like these when...in public.”

“Of course, if you would feel better there!” 

After the short walk, most of which was spent in a companionable silence while Jon smoked, they were in Jason’s apartment. It was a bit more dirty than the last time, but he hadn’t expected for things to go this way. He hurriedly tidied up while Jon took off his jacket and sat down on the sofa.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“What for?” Jason tilted his head at the other man as he plopped down beside him.

Jon buried his face in his hands. “I ruined this, didn’t I?”

“No, no, of course not! Tonight has been amazing! We still have more time, too, it’s only 8,” Jason quickly comforted him.

“What do we do next, then?”

Jason realized that Jon didn’t really know what was supposed to be next. “Well, for starters, you can tell me some more about yourself. Or we can find something that we both enjoy and talk about that. Or…” he trailed off, moving his hand to lay on top of Jon’s.

Jon looked like a deer in headlights. “I.”

“Oh, we don’t have to do anything like that if you don’t want to! I’m sorry,” he apologized.

“No, no, let’s try. I’m fine.” Jon resolved, moving his body so he was facing Jason completely. He held his hands stiffly on his lap, not quite sure what to do with them.

Jason grabbed the hands and held them tightly between their chest as he leaned forward to peck Jon’s lip, but when he moved to deepen the kiss, he noticed that Jon was still, deliberately so. “Are you sure you still want to do this?” 

Jon looked down, avoiding from eye contact. “No, I don’t think I do. Is that okay with you?” He sounded...guilty. Ashamed.

“Do you just want to watch something and get drunk?”

“That sounds lovely to me.”

—-

Jon watched as Jason stood up to go grab a bottle of...something alcoholic. He had wanted to enjoy the kiss, he really did. They were on a date. That’s what people did, right? To be fair, though, he’d never been on one, so he was a bit uncertain in all the technicalities. But he knew he had ruined it. He ruined everything like this.

He finally emerged with a mostly full bottle and two identical glasses filled with what must’ve been red wine. “So, what do you like to watch?”

Jon wanted so desperately to ask, “Why are you asking all of the questions? Why must I always be the vulnerable one, the one with the answers? Why do you care?,” but he didn’t. What he said instead was “I like documentaries. And bad horror movies. But no spiders.”

Jason chuckled and took a sip from the glass. “I think I can manage that.”

Jon shifted slightly closer to Jason, close enough so that their arms were pressed together. The feeling of his skin touching someone else’s on purpose was foreign. But nice. Like sitting a few feet from a fireplace during the cruel winter months. He forced his thoughts to fade away and be replaced by the strange documentary (it was about some kind of cult in America that tried to take over the governments of small towns) and the soft but growing buzz of drunkenness, which is probably the reason that when his head fell against the other man’s shoulders, he didn’t flinch away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jon makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't really proofread it, and I'm not completely happy with it, but I need to get it out before I move onto other things. Enjoy!

Jon had been dating Jason for a few weeks now, and was still deeply uncertain of his own feelings. He’d never been good at parsing them out, but with completely new emotions being thrown in, it was even more difficult.

Jon had never been in love before. He didn’t know much about love but he was positive he’d never felt it. High school was a miserable lonely place in which he was the outcast in every possible way. He didn’t even try to break free from his isolation—he was rather comfortable in it, really.

Maybe he’s in love now. Probably not. He was supposed to get a rush, a blind happiness. A joy just from that one person’s company. He was always glad to be around Jason, sure. He was possibly the only person he’s talked to on his own volition in a long time. It was nice having someone to be relaxed around.

But Jon didn’t like being vulnerable. He needed to have higher walls, as he did before. If he gets taken advantage of, he will be destroyed. It was too late now, though, for Jason had stepped over it like a curb rather than a fortified barrier.

Jason was nice. He seemed to really enjoy having Jon around, which was very confusing. Jon wasn’t exactly a social butterfly, or a flirt, or an attractive or interesting person. He didn’t want to be known deeply by Jason. 

It’s fine. Jason made him feel momentarily better about himself, as if, one day, he could feel safe without walls. 

But it was beginning to feel like Jon’s preferences were going to grind on Jason. He became uncomfortable the moment that gentle kisses began to turn into deeper ones, and refused to even touch in public. Was he being selfish by not liking lots of affection? Should he be doing more? Did he just need to wait to fall in love, and then he would be better? Why was he so averse to what people do every day? Was it the contact? The openness? The fear of being seen by others?

He brought it up to Jason. They were laying together on his bed, both situated in different positions, working on homework. “Jason?”

“Yeah?”

“Am I...Well. Is it difficult for you that I am...not adept at showing affection?”

Jason set down his notebook and locked his eyes with Jon’s. “Jon, I have been head over heels for you for months. I can stand a delay.”

“But what if I never want to go...further?”

“You mean, like marriage and stuff?”

Jon fell back onto the bed, revelling in the feeling of the comforter puffing up around him, before allowing the frustration to come out of him like air from a popped balloon. “No! I mean sex! Sex and making out and kissing in public! Normal couple things that I don’t want! Doesn’t it make you angry? Impatient? Why are you sticking around?”

Jason leaned forward so that his head was parallel with Jon’s. “I can wait, Jon. You’re just...uncertain. I don’t think you’ve ever truly loved. Maybe your mind just takes a little longer to catch up.”

“Jason, how much do you love me?”

He leaned over Jon, and pressed his lips against Jon’s forehead. “I love you like a boy loves his first love, which is to say, probably too much. How much do you love me?”

“I have no idea. Maybe the same amount as you. Maybe none at all.”

“Oh.”

“Do you think we should still be together? Won’t you get tired of waiting for me to come around? I might never be able to do that.”

And now Jason was hugging him, with his head buried in Jon’s sweatshirt-clad chest. “I’ll never get tired of you, Jon. I’ll wait and wait because I know you will come to love it. I’ll teach you what love is, alright? Just tell me when you want to know.”

Jon doubted that he would ever want to know. “If you say so,” he said, wrapping his arms around the other man’s neck.

They lay together on the bed for a long time, just listening to the sounds of each other’s breathing.

—-

Jon spent a lot of time trying to rationalize his thoughts, and just as much trying to repress them. He had something good going on. He needs to enjoy this, because Jason might be the only person who will ever love him

Jon was wary of affection and terrified of it being public. He had no friends to speak of, he avoided his roommates at all times, and his grandmother really didn’t care, so he didn’t have to worry about telling someone he was close to. He felt a twinge of fear, or maybe even shame, when he thought about other people knowing. 

God, why did he care so much about that? He was scared of people, sure. Their rude comments and hateful looks. He didn’t like being vulnerable. Or letting others know that he was capable of it.

When they were out together, Jon maintained a good distance from Jason when they were walking abreast. No hand holding, and certainly no kisses. Even when they were in a place that was safe to Jon, he shied away from contact.

Once, even, Jon had decided that he must be more open to intimacy to make this work. He had told Jason so. They kissed softly, and then harder. Jon insisted that this was fine, encouraging Jason to do more.

Jason was enjoying it, loving being closer to Jon, but when he moved his hand to his belt buckle, he saw the faintest glint of terror in Jon’s eyes that he tried to suppress. Jason had stopped immediately and told Jon that he shouldn’t rush these feelings, that it would come to him eventually.

Jason excused himself to the bathroom, and Jon curled up into a ball and wept silently.

He wasn’t good at this. He shouldn’t keep Jason in this weird, unfulfilling relationship. It would only be cruel. So when Jason came back, he told him so. 

“Jon, we can work through this. I promise, alright? I love you. I want you to be happy.”

“Well, Jason, I don’t know if I’m capable of loving. I don’t want to trap you in some kind of loveless relationship with me. So I’m ending it. Thank you for your patience, though I can’t say that I deserved it.”

“Jon, Jon, wait, where are you going?” Jason’s voice went from confused to alarmed as Jon got up from the bed, straightening out his clothes. He reached out and grabbed Jon’s arm, stopping his movement out of the room. 

“Jason, let me go.” His voice was still was rough.

“Why are you doing this?”

“It’s for the best. We will only hold each other back.”

“No, we won’t!”

“Jason, I am leaving. We are not going to speak about this again. I wish I could’ve loved you, but I can’t. This is for the best.”

And with that Jon yanked his arm out of Jason’s grasp. He walked a straight path to the door and didn't look back.

Jason didn’t see Jon again, except for the last few lectures of their shared class. Jon carefully avoided eye contact. He was a great actor—he acted as though there was no one sitting besides. Jason bit the bullet one day and slipped him a note he had scrawled. “Please talk to me. It doesn’t have to be soon. I will always be here to take you back,” it read.

Jason tried not to notice that when class ended, Jon had taken the balled-up note and thrown it away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment if you enjoyed! Next chapter will introduce Georgie!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'll get a part two of this chapter out asap! Please leave a kudo and a comment, and if you want to talk to me about this fic or the Magnus Archives or anything else, just message me on Tumblr-my username is pasta-lesbian . Thank you so much for reading!


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